Marriage is tough.
It's supposed to be tough. It takes a lot of compromise to make your
living habits work with your partners. We also need to learn to let
go of all the hiccups we've had. Maybe one of us had a tendency to
over spend. Maybe one of us had a bit of trouble adjusting to not
being single anymore and was a little too flirty with people outside
the marriage. Maybe there was (or still is) toxic friends that
interfere with your relationship. Maybe there is that one ex that one
or both partners can't seem to shake. Maybe your partner compares you
to past relationships (or vice versa.)
None of it really
matters in the scheme of things. Hopefully, you will be married until
one of you dies. That is the goal when you got married. I really
don't think that most people get married with the idea that they can
just divorce when things get rough.
After all, you will
have years to work on these issues. The real trick is forgetting all
the mistakes and learning to trust again.
When you constantly
make it obvious to your spouse that you don't trust them and accuse
them of lying to you, you are just further damaging the relationship.
What outcome could you possibly expect when you accuse someone of
lying on a regular bases? I'm not a psychologist or a marriage
counselor, but you can research this yourself and the answers you get
are consistent.
When you falsely
accuse someone of lying and treat them like the shifty weasel that
you think they are, you are slowly convincing this person that they
are the scumbag the one they love more than anything is telling them
that they are. This is called gas lighting.
Gas lighting
backfires 100% of the time. The one doing the gas lighting may gain
the control that they want, but at the cost of the others personal
values. If you tell someone (that truly is in love with you) that
they are this or that enough times for a long enough period, they
believe they are. They become that person, and at the expense of your
relationship, they will end up doing the things you have been telling
them they do.
How does that make
anything better for either of you?
I don't believe that
gas lighters do it on purpose. I'm convinced it is done out of
insecurities. Hopefully, there are not that many people who would
intentionally ruin someones moral compass.
It is a lot easier
for us as a species to remember the bad rather than the good. It's
the way our brain is wired for survival. When we get hurt, we learn
to avoid. There are primitive scenarios where this may have saved our
lives.
The really tricky
part is forgiving a gas lighter. First, you have to recognize it for
what it is. That is hard enough on it's own.
It wasn't until I
read a few articles on the internet that I was able to compare it to
my own marriage and recognize the signs. Before I was confused about
why this person I loved so much could be so cruel and saying all
these things that were not even factual.
Forgiving them is a
lot harder when you have to forgive them several times a week. I
found some techniques that work for me. Or at least keeping me from
going insane.
You need to keep
true to your identity. It's not easy to do when the person you spend
most of your time with is attempting to rewire your brain using
repetition as their weapon of choice.
What is keeping me
sane, is ignoring my spouse when she starts. Sometimes I fall for her
game, but I'm increasingly reminding myself to stand my ground. Much
like an I don't negotiate with terrorist approach.
I refuse to answer
loaded questions. I usually just take off. As soon as I see this
fight picking for what it is, I walk out. She knows I will never
leave her, but taking that time and space eventually hits a chord
with her.
While I'm out, I
take time to socialize (even if it's with total strangers). It's a
chance to be myself again. To not have to walk on eggshells. It can
get expensive, but to hold on to your identity is definitely worth
it.
Afterward, I forgive
without an apology. Then I take the next day or two to heal with her.
This cycle repeats every weekend.
In the time between
these fits, it is really important that you heal internally. The next
storm will come. You need to be emotionally prepared for what will
inevitably happen again. Writing a letter to myself about how awesome
I am is a tool that helps me.
Just about
everything from the first paragraph occurred at some point in my
relationship. One could say we broke each other.
My marriage is
incredibly fragile, but it's still alive. When we do get along for
extended periods of time, it reminds me why I fell in love with her.
I'm also guilty of
most these things. After quite a few anxiously uncomfortable couple
counseling sessions, I learned a lot about resentment and
forgiveness. Even though it's hard for me, I try to let go and not to
give into a pointless argument where the past keeps being unearthed.
It accomplishes nothing.
My wife on the other
hand, is having a tougher time putting some of those techniques into
practice. She is a pretty stubborn person. So am I. The deference is
she is the type to keep arguing after it has been proven to her that
she is wrong. Arguing with her is a losing battle. It's easier to
just take the loss and move on (but not at the expense of my self
respect).
She somewhat
recently landed a pretty good job. Just before that she was making
minimum wage. And just before that she was making nothing. Just
yesterday, for some reason she gave me a loaded question pretty much
just saying that I only stay with her for her money. It was just an
attempt to set up the threat of divorce.
Threatening to leave
someone is never an option. This kind of weapon is nuclear. It gets
the other person thinking. My wife seems to cycle through issues.
This current one focusing mostly on money. I have daydreamed about
leaving after her threatening me with a divorce. Financially, I'd be
much better off. I'm starting second night job. I would have the
money, especially considering my living environment would be
significantly be downsized.
I get hit on fairly
often for a man. The subject of my wife is always brought up. In a
way, I let them know I'm flattered but I'm loyal.
In the realm of sex,
I have had some pretty long dry spells, but generally I have pretty
good luck roping in the ladies (when I'm single, of course).
So why don't I just
leave my wife?
Simple. I'd rather
be counting penny's for cigarettes with her than having a steady flow
without her. I'd rather have plenty of sexless nights on the couch
knowing that monthly screw is getting closer, than banging a new dumb
broad every weekend.
To me, they just
don't get any sexier. She is a bad ass chick.
And like I was
saying, we will be married for many years. If it takes 5 or 10, or
even 20 years to get our shit together, I know the payoff will
definitely be worth it. Although I'm bruised and I question what I am
even doing, I'm with her because I hold her so dear that I can not
imagine my life without her.
After all these
bloody battles, she is still my queen.
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